A few months ago, I was passed along a blog that my wife had
come across that was “for all the moms out there.”
This is my attempt at an addendum to that piece, because it
was fantastic.
I don’t write this for “all the dads out there,” because I
wouldn’t pretend to speak for the experience of all, or even most, other men.
We all have our own visions, experiences, goals, dreams, values, morals, and
views on what being a father even means. But I can at least shed light on my
experience.
Every day is a struggle. Not in the sense of struggling to
keep a roof over our heads or keeping food on the table; the type of struggle
most people refer to when using that phrase. No, my struggle is an internal
one. One where my actions and outcomes are at odds with my goals. I’m
constantly asking myself, “what kind of example am I setting for my kids?” Not
because I’m doing things that are immoral or that most would condemn, but
because I’m not making the most of my life. I’m not living up to the words I
speak.
When I began writing this piece, I was working a rather
menial job. I would think to myself, “I have a master’s degree and am in a job
that can be performed by damn near anyone. I’m earning a middling income. Because
of my work hours, I not only do I not see my kids in the morning, but I don’t
get to help and support my wife in raising them. Not that I think it’s OK to
not be around, but at the very least I would find it slightly more acceptable
if I were making boatloads of money.”
Even now, my goals, both professionally and personally, are
set much higher, but I feel like I don’t know how to reach them. I want to feel
fulfilled through what I’m doing, while providing a financial environment for
my family that provides comfort and, hell, excess if possible.
I know there is untapped potential and that I can do so much
better for myself and my family.
But getting away from my own inadequacies and back to the
point at hand.
I want to raise intelligent, curious, assertive,
conscientious, thoughtful, tough, resilient children. I want them to experience
success, joy, opportunity, all the things parents want for their children. In
some sense, I never want them to feel pain. As Joe Rogan puts it, I want to
“Nerf the world.”
But I also want them to experience failure, disappointment,
rejection, and yes, pain. To know that, while if they work their ass off for
something they can achieve it, that
does not guarantee that they will
achieve it. And that that’s OK. That it doesn’t mean to simply not try.
There are stories and anecdotes abound about authors, sports
stars, movie makers, and more who failed time and again before they finally got
their big break. And while these stories are shared ad nauseum, often in trite
motivational memes in an effort to get people moving, they also serve to show
that failure is frequent, it is probably inevitable, it is definitely OK, and I
might dare say even required for success.
We simply can’t Nerf the world – not
only because of feasibility, but because in doing so, we are doing our kids a
disservice.
I don’t want them to fail for the sake of it. I want them to
fail because the time isn’t right. I want them to fail because sometimes things
just don’t work out, despite your best efforts. I want them to fail because
maybe they didn’t actually work hard enough to earn it. But I also want to be
there to grab them, hold them tight, wipe away their tears, and tell them,
“it’s OK. Get up and try again.” And, even more importantly, to know that they
will. And to know that every time after that, I won’t even have to tell them.
It’s hard. Good lord, is life hard. You’re juggling the
responsibilities to your family (financial, emotional, physical) with your own
personal and professional goals. Yes, you have to put your own wants and needs
on the backburner, because your kids’ needs come first. But a better you also
ultimately equals a better them. When you’re not feeling fulfilled yourself, it
becomes that much harder to make those around you feel fulfilled, and help them
be the people they want to be.
But every time I think about how “hard” life is, I am
reminded of the quote by Sydney Harris, “when I hear somebody say ‘life is
hard,’ I’m tempted to ask, ‘compared to what?’” Yes, life is hard. But it’s
hard for everyone (harder for some than others, yes). But, I think there is an
important teaching point in there for the children – you’re going to have to
work damn hard to get what you want. Resilience, fortitude, creativity, passion
– you’ll need all of it, and more, to live the life you want.
Sometimes you look at them and it seems like they’re never
going to get older. They’re always going to be that age. And then they do
something that reminds you they’ll never be this age again.
So grab it, cherish it, immerse yourself in it. It’s easy to
lose sight of that. Our frustration and anger often come when there is a
misalignment between our expectations and the present reality. The kid isn’t
going to sleep like they’re supposed to, they’re not listening, they’re not
eating. Remember that your timeline is not theirs. Remember that they are
trying to figure this all out, too. And most of all, remember that you love
them and losing your patience does no one any good.
Someday, maybe, I will be able to make it reality. Until
then, I struggle on…
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