Training 9/29

Body weight was only 188 today. Ugh.

Military Press (to top of head only) - 135 - 13+4+4
Floor DB Flyes - 50s - 18+6+6
Skullcrushers - 60 - 18+6+6
Breathing squats - 265 - 1x16 (failed on 17)
Face pulls - 1x100

An otherwise really good session ruined by the failure on breathing squats. If it had been physiological, I would be OK with it, but it was mental. I told myself after the 16th rep I wasn't going to get the next one. That I would descend and not get back up. Lo and behold, guess what happened. I'm so mad because I was psyching myself out the entire time. I had so much confidence coming in, and then when it came time, suddenly I had so much self-doubt. I'll redo it Wednesday, succeed, and then hit 275 Friday. So it is written, so it shall be done.

The Pain is a Mirage
I realized after 255, as I was walking around trying to catch my breath and wait for the pain to leave my body, that it was all a mirage. All the huffing and puffing, all the pain faces...it wasn't real. Because as soon as I thought about it, I was able to slow down my breathing, and while the pain was definitely still there, I was able to maintain a calm face. It all told me that it's all fake. I don't know who I was trying to prove the pain to, but I need to realize I don't need to prove it to anyone. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Does it suck? Hell yes. But do I need to carry on like I just carried the weight of the world? No.
I also realized after the "failure" today that I really wasn't that tired. My legs were, yes, but my shoulders, chest, even low back, where I usually am screaming after breathing squats, all felt pretty good. Again, that only reaffirms to me that the "good stuff" comes beyond the pain barrier. As with most things in life, the hard parts are there to keep out the people who don't really want it. I have to decide if that's me.
And I think that's what pissed me off the most about the failure. That it was entirely mental. That it seemed like such a perfect metaphor for my life. So full of piss and vinegar, and even able to push through a little bit of pain, but when the going gets really tough, I fold. Again, I have to decide if that's how I want to be defined. Every day needs to be a step in the direction I want.